Hello, this is your wake up call

This weekend was the fourth weekend of my NLP training. It was a very interesting and enlightening weekend. A very emotional weekend too. We were working on re-imprinting memories that have affected us in a negative way. What can I say, I have few of those in my memory box. So, when working with this, I got kind of emotional. Ok, very emotional. Hate it when that happens, that means at least 2 days of red, puffy eyes 🙁 . Anyway, apparently it had to come out, and still, I had no clue.

Sunday, after another emo-moment, I had a little talk with my trainer. She told me, she thought I was having a depression. Silence…… I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’m through with that. Or not? It’s what my beloved Mr. M. told me a month ago. But I said no, no way.
So, this was wake up call nr. 1. I realize now I wanted things to go well so badly, I was in denial even though the signs were there. Also, I compared it to the severe depression I overcame in my mid-twenties. And compared to that, it’s not much, but that still doesn’t mean I’m not depressed right now. Ironically, I was just working on a post about the depression I had in my mid-twenties, hoping to create more awareness and understanding for depression. In that post I make a remark about how people are not always aware they are depressed. Well, apparently experiences in the past are no guarantee you will know next time.

She also told me that I come across as a beautiful, tall, confident woman of the world (ehh… we were talking about me, right?) and the fact that I keep my distance may not feel very comfortable to others. That was wake up call nr. 2. I never realized that people may see me so differently than I do. I feel so insecure and to me it feels as if I’m an open book and anyone can see how clumsy I am and how I’m struggling to connect and that the distance is created by my inability to communicate properly. Hmmm, you think I may have missed out on a beautiful career as an actress? Anyway, if people really do perceive me as a confident woman that’s keeping her distance, yes, I can see how that may come across.

Well, I have a lot to think about and figure out. And a doctor’s appointment to have myself checked out.

Comments

Comment by Nikki @ Growing Up Mom on 2015-01-20 14:28:18 -0700

Thank you for sharing your story, it is so amazing to see you be so open. I agree with your trainer, from what I read from your blog you do come across as a wonderful confident woman. Sometimes I feel that when we open ourselves up like this, we show our true selves, though we never really see ourselves that way. Thank you for sharing your story, it will help others to share theirs. Sometimes we forget, that even though we are mom’s, we are still ourselves as well (I hope that makes sense, it sort of sounded better in my head). From what I can see, you are a wonderful person. Thank you!

Comment by Kim on 2015-01-20 15:52:37 -0700

I wish I was there to hug you! You are doing a great job and sometimes denial is a way to deal with it for the moment, but then the time has come to face it and take care of yourself again. You aren’t in that deep you say, so you have learned a lot the last time! Give yourself credits for that and also for the big steps you have made the last years! This time you will again get out stronger and then the next depression will be less deep. Can’t say it will be over one day, but you will learn each time and recognize the signs sooner. Also great to see dat Mr. M. knows you so well. Next time you will listen to him sooner, … or not

Comment by Sandra Hoekstra on 2015-01-20 17:08:32 -0700

Yes, Nikki, it does make sense

Comment by Sandra Hoekstra on 2015-01-20 17:11:38 -0700

Yeah, wish you were here to give me a hug, but just letting me know means a lot to me. I know I’ve done a lot, sometimes I just get a little bit impatient

Comment by Sandra Hoekstra on 2015-01-20 17:12:48 -0700

Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me.