Welcome back for another episode of “sleepless in Seattle”.
For some reason my during the day so foggy mind starts to come alive at night. Out of the blue all kinds of thoughts and ideas pop up in my head. Great, I’m tired, but apparently my mind isn’t. Guess that was sleeping during the day and woke up when I turned off the light. Lucky me.
So here I am. Rambling around until my mind thinks it is done spitting out great thoughts and I can go to sleep.
Tonight I’m wondering about the mind. I most definitely believe that our minds are capable of so much more than a lot of people think. I remember the book “Mind over medicine” I read a year ago. And that takes me to a conversation I had with my dad about the “placebo effect”. Often people ridicule this, but I think it’s a great example of what our minds are capable of. Apparently there are times that, when your mind is convinced of something, it can actually influence your physique. Isn’t that awesome! And if it works, it works. Does it really matter that someone didn’t get real medicines?
That brings me back to my own mind. Still looking for the switch that will turn on the positive mode in my mind and convince me that I’m good the way I am (and that my Cohn’s is gone and that I have lots of energy 🙂 ).
Ok, seriously, sometimes I wonder why it is such a challenge to feel good about myself. How can I empower myself and really believe and feel I’m worthy. Worthy of self-love and of love from others. Not just because I want it for me, but even more because I want to be a worthy example for Lisa. I think I’m a good mom, I just think that feeling that kind of self-worth would make me an even better mother. Children learn by example, so the more I can show her, the more she will be empowered to be her own beautiful self.
And so I keep on working on myself until I have a steady feeling of self-worth. There may be some challenges along my path and I will make sure I get past that. Whenever I feel overwhelmed I think of the Elephant. How do you eat an elephant? Bit by bit. And that’s what I’m doing, bit by bit I’m getting there. Sometimes I just need a little reminder that it’s ok to take small steps. Every step is a step, no matter how small and that’s what counts. Not just for me, but for all of us. Sometimes it’s just so easy to forget.
So, what do you do when shit happens?
a. You tell everyone who asks you how you’re doing.
b. You tell family and friends.
c. You tell your husband.
d. You tell no one.
Ok, d answer, was too easy. After all, who wants to listen to shit talk? For the record, I’m actually talking about poop. I know, that’s gross, that’s why you don’t tell anyone. Until you can no longer deny your Crohn’s is flaring up. So you have to tell your husband, who immediately demands you go see the doctor. Lucky you, already had your yearly checkup scheduled. Doctor’s verdict: get a blood and stool sample, switch medication and temporarily add another one. All you can think is “thank goodness no colonoscopy!”; for now anyway.
A while ago I found this quote that really hit home with me: “When shit happens, make fertilizer out of it”. Relax, I’m no longer talking about actual shit. That being said, sometimes I think it might be easier when taken literally. Ok, back to the proverbial shit. I still do not find it so easy yet to make fertilizer. The worst part is, most of the time, my own crappy (to stay on theme) thoughts create shit that’s not even actually there.
Having a flare causes me to be very tired and I have even less energy than normally. There are so many things I would like to do and I’m just too tired. Sleeping away most of my days makes me feel I’m a slacker. I would very much like to go back to work or at least do a lot of projects at home. Barely doing anything (just keeping things up and running at home is challenging) makes me feel bad about myself. It makes me realize that I got a lot of my self-worth from my job, feeling like I had something to contribute to society, our household and was developing myself. On top of that, I feel like a lousy friend because I hardly speak/write to anyone, just takes up to much energy. I would like to invest much more time and energy in my friendships, because I cherish them and don’t want to lose them. Of course it helps if I let them know I’m not doing to well.
So when I feel crappy thoughts coming up, I try to make fertilizer. My Crohn’s is annoying, but I won’t die of it. I will trust that the people who really care about me will understand and continue to be my friend. My value in life does not depend on what kind of work I do, but how I treat the people around me and the love I bring into this world.