Hello, this is your wake up call

This weekend was the fourth weekend of my NLP training. It was a very interesting and enlightening weekend. A very emotional weekend too. We were working on re-imprinting memories that have affected us in a negative way. What can I say, I have few of those in my memory box. So, when working with this, I got kind of emotional. Ok, very emotional. Hate it when that happens, that means at least 2 days of red, puffy eyes 🙁 . Anyway, apparently it had to come out, and still, I had no clue.

Sunday, after another emo-moment, I had a little talk with my trainer. She told me, she thought I was having a depression. Silence…… I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I’m through with that. Or not? It’s what my beloved Mr. M. told me a month ago. But I said no, no way.
So, this was wake up call nr. 1. I realize now I wanted things to go well so badly, I was in denial even though the signs were there. Also, I compared it to the severe depression I overcame in my mid-twenties. And compared to that, it’s not much, but that still doesn’t mean I’m not depressed right now. Ironically, I was just working on a post about the depression I had in my mid-twenties, hoping to create more awareness and understanding for depression. In that post I make a remark about how people are not always aware they are depressed. Well, apparently experiences in the past are no guarantee you will know next time.

She also told me that I come across as a beautiful, tall, confident woman of the world (ehh… we were talking about me, right?) and the fact that I keep my distance may not feel very comfortable to others. That was wake up call nr. 2. I never realized that people may see me so differently than I do. I feel so insecure and to me it feels as if I’m an open book and anyone can see how clumsy I am and how I’m struggling to connect and that the distance is created by my inability to communicate properly. Hmmm, you think I may have missed out on a beautiful career as an actress? Anyway, if people really do perceive me as a confident woman that’s keeping her distance, yes, I can see how that may come across.

Well, I have a lot to think about and figure out. And a doctor’s appointment to have myself checked out.