So, what do you do when shit happens?
a. You tell everyone who asks you how you’re doing.
b. You tell family and friends.
c. You tell your husband.
d. You tell no one.
Ok, d answer, was too easy. After all, who wants to listen to shit talk? For the record, I’m actually talking about poop. I know, that’s gross, that’s why you don’t tell anyone. Until you can no longer deny your Crohn’s is flaring up. So you have to tell your husband, who immediately demands you go see the doctor. Lucky you, already had your yearly checkup scheduled. Doctor’s verdict: get a blood and stool sample, switch medication and temporarily add another one. All you can think is “thank goodness no colonoscopy!”; for now anyway.
A while ago I found this quote that really hit home with me: “When shit happens, make fertilizer out of it”. Relax, I’m no longer talking about actual shit. That being said, sometimes I think it might be easier when taken literally. Ok, back to the proverbial shit. I still do not find it so easy yet to make fertilizer. The worst part is, most of the time, my own crappy (to stay on theme) thoughts create shit that’s not even actually there.
Having a flare causes me to be very tired and I have even less energy than normally. There are so many things I would like to do and I’m just too tired. Sleeping away most of my days makes me feel I’m a slacker. I would very much like to go back to work or at least do a lot of projects at home. Barely doing anything (just keeping things up and running at home is challenging) makes me feel bad about myself. It makes me realize that I got a lot of my self-worth from my job, feeling like I had something to contribute to society, our household and was developing myself. On top of that, I feel like a lousy friend because I hardly speak/write to anyone, just takes up to much energy. I would like to invest much more time and energy in my friendships, because I cherish them and don’t want to lose them. Of course it helps if I let them know I’m not doing to well.
So when I feel crappy thoughts coming up, I try to make fertilizer. My Crohn’s is annoying, but I won’t die of it. I will trust that the people who really care about me will understand and continue to be my friend. My value in life does not depend on what kind of work I do, but how I treat the people around me and the love I bring into this world.
Comment by kim on 2015-12-11 12:58:27 -0700
Keep that trust and please do tell your near friends how you feel so they can be there for you and perhaps even support you in everyday things that cost you your valuable energy. Big hug!
Comment by Rolien on 2016-01-07 14:00:43 -0700
So true Sandra! And you are amazing, not only having the courage to write about these things but also being a very good writer, making what you write even more powerfull and helping other people! #respect
Comment by Marijke Hoekstra on 2016-01-08 01:01:14 -0700
Wow, I have so much respect for your crappy thoughts and words, they are far from being shit, and in my opinion allready fertilizer. By writing this blog you let your vonurability show, and that, my dear sister-in-law, is pure strenght and power!! I know how difficult it is for you to show your weaknesses, and be frank and forward about your disease and depression. This blog of yours makes me so proud of you. Have you read Brené Brown: The strenght of imperfection? This is it! Just what you do: show your imperfection and be so powerfull and strong by doing that. Please, write more! The world needs it!
Comment by Sandra Hoekstra on 2016-01-08 11:08:23 -0700
Thank you all for your kind words, it’s means the world to me.