Prisoner or pioneer

Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.
Tom Gates

When I read this, I was like: yes…that’s pretty much it. When I’m angry, often (or maybe always?) I feel hurt. Saying you’re hurt makes you vulnerable and in order to avoid that, I’ve developed a habit of being angry instead.

Luckily, wisdom comes with the years 🙂 . I started to realize that the only person hurt by my anger was me. I learned to look inside: what is it that makes me feel hurt and angry and why? What does that say about me? Could that person possibly have another (better) intention with these words than I think. And even if they meant for it to hurt, does that have anything to do with me or with them?

I’m working hard on becoming all Zen, peaceful, mindful and whatever and sometimes…. Ok, much more often than I’d like to admit, I feel anger wash over me when someone does and/or says something that (to me) suggests I’m not perfect. I’ll be honest, after trying to be perfect for as long as I can remember in order to be loved, even the littlest thing can set me off (depending on how I feel). Not proud of it, but I will own it (now that I feel good, I may deny when angry 🙂 ).

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.
Deepak Chopra

So I’m trying to work my way through my anger. When I’m aware that I get angry, I breath in and out and take some time to think about it. It’s still very challenging to look at my own behavior and admit I could’ve done things differently. It’s still hard to say I’m sorry, because that still feels like admitting I’m not perfect and makes me fear rejection. And that’s ok, just as long as I keep in mind that it’s something I imposed upon myself and isn’t real and I can get past that thought.
I’m a pioneer, going where I’ve never been before.